Discussion How to not be a loner?

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by justgonnaaskforrecs, Jun 11, 2024 at 11:05 AM.

  1. justgonnaaskforrecs

    justgonnaaskforrecs Well-Known Member

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    Hello, hope everyone is find and dandy~~
    :blobpeek:

    I have been a loner all my life, I am really anti social. And honestly I am getting tired of it, I really want to make irl friends. I feel like such a loser sometimes.:blobcry:

    Would you mind giving me some advice? It be at most appropriated.:meowflower:
     
  2. unlucky

    unlucky Well-Known Member

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    This is a really complicated thing to answer, especially since I was never in your position but my answer to you is really simple and difficult at the same time.
    be someone people find pleasant to be around.
    you don't need to worry about pleasing everybody, hell you don't need to care about pleasing most people. but what you need to do is be pleasant to be around, that people even if they don't want to be friends with you can still be fine with interacting with you.
    actual friends are people who interact with you regularly so a common ground must exist, shared sense of humor or shared interests are a good base to start with, though don't depend on them and try to be a good judge of character.
    I am struggling to figure out other proper pieces of advice to give that won't sound like just platitudes so the only thing I can give is try to interact more with people who frequent any place you are in regularly. college, bookstore, club, etc. good interactions can lead to friendships or at least friendly acquaintances.
    one last thing and a joke from me on the way out.....internet friends don't count:blobpeek::blobpeek::blobpeek:
     
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  3. Iruma666

    Iruma666 『 Banana Pudding Enjoyer 』

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    Well, you're not a loser just because you don't have friends. Why is that the case you may ask? It's because I said so :blob_sunglasses:

    Also you don't have any school friends that you could possibly reconnect with? Like, if you have their social media or phone number try texting them. If they respond and you hit it off then you have an acquaintance that you can hopefully convert into a good friend. :blobokhand:

    As for actually going outside and making a friend of someone you've met at near random? Sorry, but I have no experience in that unfortunately. :sweating_profusely:

    I'd recommend making friends at a family gathering since they're already somewhat vetted. Plus you have a common point to talk about since you're already attending an event.

    If you have any siblings that are close in age to you, perhaps try asking if you can hang out with them and their friends. Then you can use your sibling as a meat shield whenever you feel awkward or need a small break from talking.

    Speaking more on family: why not try making friends with your cousins? Not only are you forcibly related by blood, but you also have the pretext of family to easily get close to them. Of course, I recommend cousins that are close in age or younger than you. They are usually easier to relate to.

    Now... if you're feeling extremely daring... meeting your online friends is also a way to get real life friends.:blobsleepless: But I urge you to be extremely cautious when doing such a thing. Always tell someone you trust where you're going if you want to do such a thing :blobcatcop:

    I hope you find luck in acquiring friends ::blobpeaking::!
     
  4. Fairlady1996

    Fairlady1996 Well-Known Member

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    Same with me. I also have anxiety and antisocial. So I never met any of my friend in this 3 years. It not healthy ,I know it. Btw, I also have to take care of my mother who have illness few years ago. My work as affiliate so whole my life focus on online marketing. Yes, I don't have any need to go outside to socialize with others.

    For anti social person like me it a big struggle. However I still go out with my family outside. Just I really ashamed to meet my friend in reality. Like they all have successfully career and married, while me still on the same place. So that be it, I just cut it off with all my friends. Mostly spend time with my family , struggling to deals with my psychology issues.

    It really hard but I'm trying to live the best of my live. Good luck to you, just so you know you are not alone in this issues
     
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  5. Britnh3

    Britnh3 Well-Known Member

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    I recommend joining a local group or club that does something you enjoy-if you enjoy ceramics, see about joining the local artist collective; if you enjoy hiking, join a local hiking group! If you enjoy animals, see about helping out your local animal shelter; if you want to improve on a skill, check out a local club for that. You can probably find these groups using Google or Meetup (United States, at least).

    I think the best way to get plugged in to people who you want to be friends with is to find something in common with them. At least, this gives you a possible starting ground with people who are already doing what you do. Hopefully you will connect with people then.

    good luck and that’s my 4 am advice.
     
  6. icerror

    icerror Well-Known Member

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    try to greet ppl always. Being a loner is not just ur problem but other's perception of u and ur personality. U will hear it all the time, oh she's just shy or she doesn't talk, and then u end up knowing no one. Let others know u can communicate even if u oftentimes don't. U will be surprised what being remembered and mentioned can help with being sociable.
    Again, not a shrink. And ur experience might vary with cultures, but the golden rule is the same. Do unto others what u expect others do to u: form shallow connection that would allow em to get close to u and vice versa. This is pretty much the 1st chapter to every Dale Carnagie books.
    Good luck:) .
     
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  7. Baldingere

    Baldingere Roseau pensant

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    I have a small piece of advice, it's to put yourself in social situations often and follow this mindset:
    1. Don't mind awkwardness. It happens, it's human, and it's the part of the conversation that everyone will forget.
    2. Don't think every interaction has to be 100%. Conversations will have some solid moments, some boring moments, and some 5 stars moments. It doesn't need to be perfect to be good! Also, results aren't always in the moment. Sometimes, a boring chat with somebody means that the next time you meet them you'll chat over something else and bond!
    3. Go with a mindset of meeting people and making small contact.
    I used to be very nervous in social settings because I wanted to make friends and was viewing everything through that lens. Truth is, a small chat at one party generally won't turn you into friends immediately(exceptions exist of course). Thar was too high a goal and made me stressed out for nothing.
    Once I started going in with more of a "networking mindset", making small contact and getting to know people, it was a lot easier. Because I felt more confident because I was reaching my goal since it is a lot more achievable to be like "I want to talk to 3 different people" VS "I want to make a bestie for life". And because things blossom over time. I met multiple of those people again at other events, and being like "Oh I know that person" helps feeling more confident at the event and makes you both bond. It's surprisingly easy to get close to people just by meeting them again and again, it induces a feeling of similarity between you and them and makes both of you more inclined to chat and smile when you meet each other in other contexts. And then when you know someone better, you can invite them to something. It can be another event, like "Hey remember me from X? There's a new meeting next week, wanna go together ?" Or invite them out to go drink something or watch a film.

    Also this blog has good advice: https://captainawkward.com/2011/12/19/question-153-how-do-i-make-and-keep-friends/
    There are probably other ressources with advice on the internet

    PS: a great way and place to meet people is a regular activity. Think book clun/dance class/theater group/volunteering at a non-profit. This way you meet these poeple regularly, have soemthing in common with them and a topic to discuss always ready and it's fun!

    If you can, meet people at an activity that you like/are good at. That will give you more confidence!
    Although on the flip side, trying something new also works well, because 1. Newbies bond together 2. Other folks are very nice and encouraging to newbies 3. You would learn a new cool thing!

    I would also say that in my experience, artistic activities really make people bond. And volunteering for causes also works great! Because the basis for a solid friendship are already here: common values. I don't know how you feel about activism groups, but folks who meet and become friends there can be really solid, because you fought together for a great cause.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2024 at 3:02 PM
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  8. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    Im antisocial as well, but I have a possible solution.
    If you’re in the United States of America. Specifically Oregon. I don’t mind meeting up and grabbing a coffee.
    No pressure. Making friends in real life can be difficult, but I want you to know there are people out there who are interested in being friends with you
     
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  9. justgonnaaskforrecs

    justgonnaaskforrecs Well-Known Member

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    That's a nice offer dude, unfortunately I live wayy across the ocean (am South East Asian) :meowflower:
     
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  10. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    Ouch! That’s a little too far. Still the offer stands and the first rounds on me
     
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  11. justgonnaaskforrecs

    justgonnaaskforrecs Well-Known Member

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    Gosh, I would usually reply to all of the post but honestly I am not that used to opening up so I feel a bit embarrassed :blobpeek::blobsneeze:.

    Don't get me wrong though, I really appreciate every reply, it reminds me that am not totally alone and the advices helps me self reflect better. I still need some time to take it all in.
    ~
    ~
    ~
    :meowflower: (flower as a token of my appreciation)
     
  12. chanman20

    chanman20 Member

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    try and find a local group who meets up. I do a lot of hiking and found a hiking group. I was super nervous the first time i went and met some of them but through out the hike we talked about or interests and things went from there.
     
  13. Tech is life

    Tech is life [Disinterested] [Sleepy] [Blithe]

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    1. Take initiative to talk....it could be asking..."hey, they are funny right ? Or that looks great!! Where did you buy it?"
    2. Keep the conversation running...bring in some topics and elongate them
    3. Dp not end conversation like saying"gotta go now, bye! Or it was fun meeting you " NO, never say this ... instead say " i really had a fun convo today, wanna continue it some time?"..then exchange numbers or something!!
    4. The above tips only works on People you met for first time :blobokhand:
     
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  14. Shizukani

    Shizukani Chronically stressed

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    You're not a loser. :blob_patpat:

    Well I heard that people love talking about themselves so having genuine curiosity about them or things they like can be a good start (like if you're just getting started to get to know each other). Then then maybe you can open up about yourself and your interest if your friendship points is already at an adequate level.

    This is just me but I wouldn't force myself to become friends with people who I actually don't like even a little bit so... maybe that too.
     
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  15. RainySeasonWeather

    RainySeasonWeather Active Member

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    I’m a loner too! :blob_plusone: (Still am).

    The only real strategy I can recommend is to not being afraid to get into someone’s personal space. Of course, don’t annoy them constantly, but be the more assertive party in conversations. I personally ask about common things like their favorite color or their favorite animal to gauge their personality and move on how to act around them from what I assessed.

    Worst case scenario I’ll be your friend ::bloblove::.
     
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