Something I wrote, want to cut it with a sword??

So, I wrote this scene, and it feels lacking. Shana goes to cheer up Arthur after a terrible accident. Anyone want to give their opinion??

Spoiler: the scene

Shana leans back against a snow covered railing as she waits. Despite being out in the middle of a winter night wearing nothing more than her meager robe, she is quite comfortable there on the balcony. A magical array of sorts isolates it from the cold, but at the same time allows for a refreshing breeze to blow past every now and then. From what she has been able to gather, the spellcraft is even more complicated than what Arthur had at his mannor.


The door opens before she can study the magic further and Arthur, also in his night wear, steps outside. His already baffled expression twists even further upon finding her. “Lady Shana? Why are you… No, for now, please come in. Asking this of a lady is impolite, but it’s preferable to staying out here in the cold.”


Shana makes a wry smile at his conundrum, brushes off any snow that might be clinging to her clothes, and enters. Once inside, while Arthur searches for something to say, she speaks.


“It wasn’t your fault.”
“What are you saying? I should have–”
“There was no way you could have known.”


Arthur exhales at those words, dropping onto his bed as the tension leaves his body. Yet instead of looking at Shana, he clasps his hands before himself and stares at the wall.


“Claíomh Solais is dangerous.”
“Swords are made for killing. They are inherently dangerous.”


As Arthur falls silent, Shana sits down beside him and says, “Eira is fine.” Seeing Arthur’s attention perk up at the mention of the young fae, she continues. “She was far enough away that she never even noticed a single thing. If anything, she was more annoyed at Morgana barging in on her while she was asleep.”


A soft chuckle escapes Arthur as he imagines the scene. “I take she took the little one into her arms the moment she ascertained her well being?”


“Eira was struggling to break free. Although, she then refused to let go once they went to bed.”


Exhaling once more, Arthur leans back, using his arms to support himself as he does. He turns to Shana with a gentle smile and says, “When we first set off to retrieve the cold iron together, I had no idea what to expect. But now, I can’t imagine having come this far without you.”


“The hell are you saying?” Shana brings a knee on the bed as she makes herself more comfortable. “From what I can tell, you would have absolutely managed to retrieve those meteorites without me.”


“Perhaps, but at what cost? Had you not been there to stop me, I would have struck down Morgana, none the wiser to her manipulation.”


Arthur then glances to the sword resting on his desk. “I’ve never felt fear towards my own sword before.”


“Why do you think I don’t drink?” As his eyes fall on her, she adds, “I know a lot of powerful and dangerous spells. If I lose control of myself for even a second, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Your sword is powerful, but that can be a blessing if used properly.”


“It’s as you say.” Arthur takes a deep breath and adds, “Forgive me, I’ve shown you something disgraceful.”


“The bigger disgrace would be wildly swinging that sword around and killing us all instead.”


Arthur guffaws at those words. “A vile spirit would need to possess me for anything like that to happen.” He then rises to his feet and grabs Claíomh Solais by its sheath. He then turns to Shana, his spirit renewed, but the moment he meets her amethyst eyes, he falters.


“I… won’t be able to request for your help in this one.”


Shana makes a wry smile at his remark. She hops from the bed, disregarding the short length of her garments, and yanks the sword from Arthur’s hands. He goes to take it back before she can get hurt, but she slips out of his reach with a teasing smile.


“As you can see, I’m perfectly fine.”
“But, aren’t you… No, forgive me.”


A smile filled with happiness blooms across Shana’s face at Arthur’s trails off. His refusal to even allude that she isn’t human fills her chest with a surprising amount of joy. She is so elated, she freely says without any tinge of sadness, “Yes, an angel to be specific. And it just so happens one of the meteorites used as material was blessed by a higher power.”


Arthur grins as he understands what Shana is alluding to. “And its influence allows you to stand under Claíomh Solais light.”


She then looks down to the sword in her hands. Although the tungsten sheath contains its incredible power, energy radiates to her palm from its handle. “Your sword is different from what I expected. It doesn’t exert dominance, but eradicates.”


“Lady Shana,” Arthur is taken aback by her comparison. “You’ve encountered another sword like my Claíomh Solais?”


“The 7 Star Sword, made from 7 meteorites. It belongs to a friend of mine, Mahina. I also tried wielding it once.” Her tone falls flat as she says, “Worst decision of my life, thought I was gonna to die.” She then giggles and adds, “When my little sister tried, she ran off screaming.”


Shana then presents the sword to Arthur. “From what Mahina has told me, the secret lies in the circulation of your mana. The better it flows, the easier you will be able to control your sword.”


Arthur nods as he accepts the sword. “I practice every single night.”


She then shrugs and gives a light, “Other than that, the body learns by doing. It’s a moot point with you, but training your body also improves circulation.”


Arthur cups Shana’s face and stares into her amethyst eyes. “Will you help me?”


Shana meets his crimson eyes. With a helpless sigh but a reliable smile, she smacks the palm away with the back of her hand.

@Maid Chan
@Bad Storm @Tilgarial @Cream

 

Right off the bat I'll say Present Tense is extremely limiting and nearly always has a negative impact on a narrative.
Its just not an effective method to tell a story.
Good for expositions or Scripts, but doesn't do any favors for a narrative.

 

yeah, but I like that, so it stays

 

I have no idea what they are talking about, but the dialogue flows smoothly and seems fine. Maybe there's too much info dumping? Then again, If you didn't write that this scene is to cheer up Arthur, I would think it's an info dump scene that in the middle kisses Arthur's ass. You would think that pointing out someone is the best is a way of cheering them up, but at least to me, it always comes across as needlessly bragging about the MC being overpowered, and everyone adores them with no flaws. I've read similar scenes where the MC shows a bit of human emotion, and a female NPC immediately says, 'No, no, you can't do anything wrong; you're the best. You don't need human emotions aside from pride and lust!' The comforting feeling of cheering up after sadness disappears and is replaced with the usual notion that the MC is the best in the world. Yeah, the MC is the best in the world, but you don't need to explicitly state it to the readers when you're trying to elicit other emotions from them. Of course, I am now judging the text only from the fragment you gave, maybe rest of the text doesn't come off as this.

Plus same as Osamaru, Present Tense is annoying to read in narrative text.

And: "Arthur cups Shana’s face and stares into her amethyst eyes. “Will you help me?”"
Personal preference: I dislike it when characters grab other characters' faces, especially when men grab women's faces. If they were cuddling or something, then it would make sense, but right now, he is holding a sword with one hand and squishing her cheek with the other. It comes off as aggressive and jerky.