after years I finally found the answer

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Aqua_the_idiot

my decisions are justified by my name, Female
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this might be a sensitive topic for firm believers in religion so you can skip this blog pls I don't wanna hurt anyone.

alright, now from a young age I would participate my family's religious ceremonies and I did it just like my parents told me- how to pray, how to maintain etc.. But from a young age only I didn't "like" it like I believed in God but I didn't understood the ceremonies/praying. Idk but I never felt "devoted" like my mother is towards praying and ceremonies, her love for God literally shows from her face. Seeing many people being devoted to their Gods made me feel that maybe my love isn't enough and I am not trying enough to be devoted, so I tried. I tried praying and ceremonies but I never felt the connection.

I suspected that maybe I didn't believe in God and the environment around me made me believe I did, so in my early teens I thought I was an atheist. I still participated in the ceremonies because well....family but I had a guilt in me. The whole atheist thing also didn't fit me. I believed in God but not any religion. It was a very confusing and frustrating state, which didn't affect me much but during ceremonies the guilt would weight me down.

now years after I have no idea how but a few days ago I just randomly searched "I believe in god but not religion. what is this?" and oh my goodness there was my answer - Deism. There was something that literally matched my beliefs 100%. The sense of relief and astonishment I felt when reading about it can't be described in words for sure. I know this sounds exaggerated but trust me, when something in that small corner of your heart clears out it's such a good feeling.

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I won't be breaking the news to my family or friends for now that's for sure but my "guilt" has reduced ngl idk but I feel good. Really needed to let it out so I made this blog lol.

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Comments

    1. Aqua_the_idiot Nov 1, 2023
      @Yuma28 don't be sorry! I loved your comment because it gave me comfort <3
      oh and also you said 'You said you believe in god, but still didn't found what is the right one (or so? I hope i didn't misinterpret it)' I am actually not finding the 'right God' what I am finding is the belief that would bring me mental peace. For me, God is a observer and I don't believe it is God that helps us - it is our actions and karma that defines our fate. I won't go in detail cuz I don't wanna get banned here lol
      Yuma28 likes this.
    2. Yuma28 Nov 1, 2023
      Sorry if it is so late to reply, i just open the notification today after so long.. seems like an interesting topic, that is because i major in theology too, at least in my religion.

      If you ever feel displace or have some doubts about your belive, that means you are a normal human being that has free will to choose and think about every possible being. That's how we are created, always searching for the questionable until we found the answer.

      It is not wrong to question your certainty though, if you are critical enough and willing to do so, i just want to give you some advice..

      Don't stop trying and searching it. You said you believe in god, but still didn't found what is the right one (or so? I hope i didn't misinterpret it)

      So ask your religion figure, or friend, or teacher, and even your dearest family that you found comfortable with. Don't just burry it in your head, it will trouble you later on.

      Matters about religions and believes surely need much effort and consistency in finding the truth. No matter how long, as long as you always trying, hopefully god will answer your question. God is always watching us.

      I thought your family, or someone religious that you ask wouldnt found you crazy if your intention is for seeking the answer though.. If they do insult you, that means they are not understanding enough for your situation. Dont worry, you are not weird, just keep seeking.

      Sorry if you found my writing unseemly, i hope you always happy and found your solace at the right time ; )
      Aqua_the_idiot likes this.
    3. Aqua_the_idiot Oct 12, 2023
      @Bad Storm
      I am from a Hindu family which, well, isn't that much religious but for some part it is. Honestly in terms of other families my family isn't that religious. I already explained above how conflicted my feelings were about religion and the news on the tv, the conversations between my parents/uncle's/aunt's etc. really fuelled my conflicts about religion itself, not Hinduism.

      also, you and me have the same thoughts! imo religion should have been (well most started as a peace maker) the embodiment of peace but now it's a "competition" that whose god is powerful/real etc. which in my opinion is pathetic. There is so much hate for something that was made to express love...
      Bad Storm likes this.
    4. Bad Storm Oct 12, 2023
      oh wow, I didn't know there's a word for my thinking...

      From a very catholic family, I'm one of those people who's in church every Sunday, know most saint days, does rosary at 3 or 6 when I can, even part of a religious organization haha. But I grew up and learned to think on my own. I believe in God still but I dont think religion can portray a being much greater than their own. It's like a square looking at a cube in 2D, it can't grasp "depth" coz it's not a thing in it's world.

      I think it's okay to believe, also okay not to. As long as you're doing your best to be a good person, and not hurting others, you're fine as you are. I just wish more people show their faith in ways that doesn't step on other's people. One thing I learned from my religion is that God is the embodiment of all things good.. sucks that some of His believers, uses their religion to oppress or shame others...
    5. Aqua_the_idiot Oct 12, 2023
      @Cutter Masterson thank you for the kind words, it took a lot of thinking if I should open up or not but in the end the urge was too strong lol. Also, I agree with you- people should be able to talk about what beliefs they have openly. If I told my parents I am 100% sure I would be labelled as crazy and out on the streets (and I am not joking). If I told my friends they would find it weird but probably play along I guess. I will wait till I reach mid 20s/ late 20s to tell people around me. Until then, well, I am stuck haha
      Cutter Masterson and Bad Storm like this.
    6. Cutter Masterson Oct 12, 2023
      Personally, I think everyone should be able to talk about anything they want. But if you’re going to argue with them. Then you should just move along. They always say never talk about politics, religion, money and sex. But I don’t agree. I feel like minded people should be able to talk and not feel different or weird. At least that’s what I feel. Thanks for opening up here
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